When my youngest son was about 8 years old, he came to me and asked for forgiveness for some rule that he had broken. I was preoccupied with some other task, and my quick response was “no worries.” My intent was to say that it was not important and he should not be concerned about it. My son came back quickly- “No, dad, you are supposed to say I forgive you!”

My eight year-old son was right. He needed to acknowledge his wrong, and I needed to forgive him. He needed to know that everything was all right between us. He grasped the importance of forgiving and receiving forgiveness.

Giving and receiving forgiveness are important to spiritual health and spiritual growth, as well as just living a good life. Without forgiveness relationships crumble, trust dissolves, truth suffers.

My son’s infraction needed to be accounted for, and the relationship between my son and I needed to be mended. He needed to recognize his bad behavior, acknowledge it to me and ask for forgiveness. Moreover, he needed to receive forgiveness from me. Without it, my son would have to live in the fear that I would discover it and he would have to deal with the consequences. My son needed to know that I loved him enough to forgive.

My quick response to my son, “no worries,” was evidence of my “adult” tendency to practice excusing rather than forgiving. I excuse myself often. Truth is I would rather avoid accountability for my actions. I want to tell myself that my infraction really is not very bad and that it can just be winked at rather than dealt with. I want to be excused rather than forgiven for my behavior. I want to hide from the truth rather than stand in light of the truth and seek forgiveness.

This tendency to want to be excused rather than be forgiven has a long history. The first couple practiced this when they were confronted by God in the Garden of Eden. He blamed her, and she blamed the serpent. (The serpent probably just grinned.) Both wanted their behavior excused. This same tendency is endemic in our culture today. How often have we heard a celebrity or a politician fall from public grace, and give an “apology” which was not an apology at all, but a list of extenuating circumstances or a shifting of the blame? Likely, we have all done the same at one time or another.

C.S. Lewis pointed out that forgiveness and excusing are almost opposites. Excuse means I have nothing to be blamed for, that there is some circumstance for what happened which absolves me of responsibility, while forgiveness accepts that I am culpable, guilty, and need to acknowledge my actions. Lewis pointed out that there may be a mixture of both in some circumstances, but certainly one must acknowledge their part in a wrong committed if one is to be spiritually healthy. 1

To recognize our faults, to seek forgiveness, and to choose to forgive are important parts of our spiritual life. Without the practice of forgiveness, we can hardly say we are spiritual. Jesus taught us to pray, forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors. Forgiving and being forgiven leads us to the kind of relationships Jesus spoke about when He said: “This is my commandment, that you love one another just as I have loved you. “ The old adage is false-- love does mean sometimes having to say I’m sorry, and also saying that I forgive.

Jesus spoke this commandment to a group of people we call saints, but they could hardly have been saints at that point in time. A pair of ambitious brothers, a political activist, an IRS agent, an impetuous fishermen. You know there had to have been conflicts, wrongs committed, and attitudes that needed adjusting. Most importantly, there had to have been a great need for forgiving one another and receiving forgiveness if this motley crew of disciples were going to stay together till the Holy Spirit fell on them and they began to carry on Jesus ministry.

I have talked about forgiveness between people, but forgiveness is vitally important to our relationship to The Almighty. It is foundational to our faith. For all of us have done things we need forgiveness for. All of us need to recognize there is a right and a wrong; all of us need to admit that we have broken that right and wrong standard. All of us need to come to God and admit our guilt and be forgiven. To do so puts us in right relationship to God.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. First John 1:8-9 NIV

My son, though just a child, was more spiritually adult than I was in that moment. Maybe this is what Jesus said when he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Matthew 18:3 NIV

Mike Sweetman

Chaplain Hospice of North Central Oklahoma

1 Essay on forgiveness, C. S. Lewis Macmillan Publishing Company, Inc. N.Y. 1960