I always appreciate my friends who think of me by sending along things they have found somewhere. One of my church friends sent me an e-mail that included a variety of quotes from football coaches. She said her brother-in-law had passed it along to her.

Over the years I have learned that coaches tend to have a wonderful sense of humor. One of them told me that a sense of humor in his job was necessary, otherwise one would lose their mind.

I am passing along what she sent me because I got some chuckles from it. It does include some funny insults that aren’t intended to be taken seriously.

Here goes:

“Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football.” -- John Heisman, first football coach at Rice.

“I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.” --Bear Bryant of Alabama.

“It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” -- Knute Rockne, Notre Dame.

“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat. That costs money, and we don’t have any.”-- Erik Russell, Georgia Southern.

“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.”-- Lou Holtz, Notre Dame. “A school without football

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.” -- Frank Leahy, Notre Dame.

“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.” -- Woody Hayes, Ohio State.

“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.” -- Bob Devaney, Nebraska. “In Alabama, an atheist is

“In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.”-- Wally Butts, Georgia. “I never graduated from

“I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms --Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.”-- Alex Karras, Iowa

“My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.”-- Bowden Wyatt, Tennessee.

“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades.” -- Duffy Daugherty, Michigan State.

“Always remember: Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David.”-- Shug Jordan, Auburn.

“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns why he didn’t recruit me? He said, ‘Well Walt, we took a look at you and you weren’t any good.’” -- Walt Garrison, Oklahoma State and Dallas Cowboys.

“Son, you have a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.”-- Bobby Bowden, Florida State.

“Football isn’t a contact sport, it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.”-- Duffy Daugherty, Michigan State. After his USC team lost 51-0

After his USC team lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was: “All those who need showers, take them.”-- John McKay, USC.

“If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”-- Murray Warmath, Minnesota.

“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. To be a back, you only have to be dumb.” -- Knute Rockne, Notre Dame.

“We live one day at time and scratch where it itches.”-- Darrell Royal, Texas.

“We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.” -- John McKay, USC.

“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.” Knute Rockne, Notre Dame.

“He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.” -- Urban Meyer, Ohio State, talking about one of his players.

Following are the insults (please substitute the team or state name that you would prefer): Why do Auburn fans wear

Why do Auburn fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday and pick up trash on Monday.

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.

How many Michigan State freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That’s a sopho more course.

How did the Nebraska football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.

Two Texas A&M football players were walking in the woods. “Look, a dead bird,” one said. The other looked up in the sky and said, “Where?”

What do you say to a Florida State football player dressed up in a three-piece suit? “Will the defendant please rise.”

How can you tell if a Clemson player has a girl friend? There’s tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week. The other half will have to dress themselves.

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room? A full set of teeth.

How is the Kansas football team like an opossum? They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

How do you get a Missouri football player off your porch? Pay him for the pizza. -----

The list provided by my friend inspired me to see if I could find other quotes from coaches. I succeeded and will pass a few that I found along.

“Three things can happen when you pass the ball and two of them are bad.” -- Woody Hayes, Ohio State.

“Virginia? That’s the white meat of our schedule.” Frank Howard, Clemson.

“Take the shortest route to the ball and arrive in bad humor.” -- Bowden Wyatt, Tennessee.

“I retired for health reasons. The alumni got sick of me.”-- Frank Howard, Clemson.

“I don’t give a hoot about the Rice Owls.” -- Hayden Fry, SMU.

“They whipped us like a tied-up goat.”-- Spike Dykes, Texas Tech.

“Trends are bunk. Angry people win football games.” -- Darrell Royal, Texas.

“You learn more character on the two-yard line that anywhere else in life.”-- Paul Dietzel, LSU.

“Motivation is simple. Eliminate players who aren’t motivated.” -- Lou Holtz, Notre Dame.

“I had a lifetime contract, but the administration declared me dead.” Frank Howard, Clemson.

“I don’t want the best team to win. I want us to win,” Frank Howard, Clemson. A former Clemson player

A former Clemson player swears he heard Coach Howard tell the pizza restaurant to cut his pizza into eight pieces because he didn’t think he could eat 12.

John McKay, former coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and USC, is also known for his wisdom and witticisms. I looked it up and found these:

“We can’t stop the pass or run. Otherwise we’re in great shape.”

“Kickers are like horse manure. They’re all over the place.”

“I told my team it doesn’t matter. There are 750 million people in China who don’t even know this game was played.”

“Jerry’s a nice kid. But so is my wife and she’s no quarterback.”

“God’s busy. So they will have to make do with me.”

“Every time I look up, it seems we’re punting.

“Namath is still Namath, but I must say that our guys were nice to him. I noticed when they knocked him to the ground they helped him to his feet. One stood around long enough to get his autograph.”

“If a contest has 97 prizes, the 98th would be a trip to Green Bay.”

“One rule for football teams--hold when you are at home and don’t hold when you are on the road.”

“You do a lot of praying, but most of the time the answer is no.”

In connection with the above, I remember hearing a speech by former Nebraska coach Bob Devaney. He told a bunch of jokes one of which he told on himself. “My wife and I had a great marriage until last week. It deteriorated when I told her she had a wrinkle in her panty hose. She wasn’t wearing any.”