Guilt is an ever-present emotion for many family caregivers for a variety of reasons: For what we haven’t done for our ailing loved one or for what we did do. Because we can still function physically and cognitively in ways in which they are no longer capable. A little guilt along these lines probably makes us more sensitive and attentive. But too much of it torments us and zaps all possible joy. Guilt is usually joined by other challenging emotions. Caregivers who are harshly selfcritical – those who beat themselves up – are more prone to depression. Former caregivers of now-deceased loved ones grieve longer if they second-guess their previous caregiving. Guilt often leads to what is called reactive cycles: I feel guilty, I then feel angry for having been made to feel guilty, I then feel guilty for having felt angry. I then feel angry again for feeling guilty again. And so on.

How can we come to terms with guilt and still feel proud to be hard-working, wellmeaning caregivers? Here are some ideas:

• Don’t aim for guilt-free caregiving. The feeling that we should do more and better for one another seems to be built into our species as a group survival mechanism. Guilt is part of who we are. So that discrepancy between what you think you should do and what you’re willing and able to do may always cause some guilt. Let’s accept that as given, then, and work on tempering the feeling.

• Give up the fantasy of rescuing others. Caregivers sometimes try to ward off the sadness they feel witnessing a relative’s suffering by believing they can provide complete relief or even a cure. But that sets an absurdly high standard. We owe our loved ones good effort, but perfect outcomes can be impossible. Hold yourself to realistic goals, not fantastic ones.

• Maintain balance. Few of us have only one family role. We are children, parents, siblings, spouses and dear friends in loving relationships. At some point in our lives, we do have to commit far more energy to one person than another, but we still need time to maintain our other social connections. While taking those breaks from caregiving may bring up feelings of guilt, they’re necessary for our own emotional health.

• Tolerate ambivalence. Some caregivers experience guilt and harsh self-criticism if they feel at all negatively anxious or angry about their caregiving duties. It’s as if we think that dreading some aspect of caregiving means we no longer love the care recipient. But having negative feelings is part of normal family life. In the years before old age and illness, our family members were probably sometimes irritable toward one another without so much self-condemnation. Caregiving doesn’t make us angels. We’re still cranky humans.

• Find other motivations. Guilt sometimes induces us to do things we really don’t want to do. We then become resentful. It is far better for us to act on more noble impulses – wanting to provide care because it is important to us or pleases us.

Do things for your loved one because you want to instead of feeling like you have to. Don’t forget to take care of yourself and try to get your rest. That will help you feel better and in turn be better able to care for your loved one. Contact Twila Doucet, Caregiver Coordinator at LTCA of Enid Area Agency on Aging at 580-234- 7475 or tdoucet@ltcaenid.org